Below are the 14 most recent journal entries recorded in achaern's InsaneJournal:

Saturday, February 14th, 2009
1:27 pm	V-Day I'm breaking down and admitting this here. But today I think of her. And I try not to. But it all began roughly two years ago now.. and it is lost to us. Though I could spend time with people and many capacities, today I'm remaining sober, since there is only one person I should be thinking about spending today with, and I cannot. So it's not going to happen with anyone. A simple admission. I am thinking of her today. And though my jealously often reigns, today it does not. Just thinking of her. Hope she feels loved today. Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: My new cell phone's texting sound effect. (Comment on this)
Friday, January 2nd, 2009
10:58 pm	Jan 1st Had a public entry I made private. I made some mistakes in how uncensored I was and it led to a gross insensitivity. It is clear I should never have posted it, or, perhaps even felt some of the frustrations it contained... as I don't always feel the same about them later... even though I know I likely will again. It's a horrible thing, knowing that how you feel at any moment you might never feel it again... or that you might know you'll feel it everytime. It's so hard to take down the wall. Too easy to put the wall back up and put on the mask. The reason this is so hard is because though I figured out the mask... I cannot figure out how to put the wall. It's staying down. I don't know what to do. But a man can't keep hurting those he loves and not do something about it. Even if leaving is going to be a hurt in itself. How could I stay and cause all the pain forever... when leaving means it will only hurt for............ (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, June 9th, 2008
4:29 am	Wild day I love days like today. Love them. I woke up to find out that my ride to Regina for the Maiden concert wasn't going... his ticket connection forgot to buy the tickets in the 4 months we've had the concert listing announced. So whatever, he's good to his word and promises to get me there... but I really didn't feel on about that. I called some guys from work and asked them.. ended up riding to the concert with 5 guys from works and a pile of people I didn't know. Booze cruising and having a wild good time..... I met up with my buddy in Regina and had supper with him, his wife and her grandparents and his parents.... then off to Maiden.. high as hell. I loved it... random days and good time. I texted my friend and she teased me with promises of stories she just *knows* will drive me crazy to here... It's an exicting time. To sound.... fickle.... but I'm much better this week. It's all wrapped up in how much my happiness can be spun by a woman. But. The older I get. The more I realise that I love it. I love women. How they looks.... smell... feel.. think.... react to me.... can guide me. I love it. I have powerful female influences in my life... as a child.. for parents causing me to be able now, to really really care about them intensely. SO thank you my friends at teh concert... my friends at work and around my soul... I am loving this part of life... even with the same frustrations as always, I must remind myself to be thankful for the people that exist to me that seek me out... want to be around me and engage with me. Thank for taking the time, love, sentiment and interest in getting to know me. For me. Wild wicked weekend. John and dented teh van wrestling, I shoved him into it and then put him down. Good times. Current Mood: cheerful (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 29th, 2008
6:19 pm	Done It's a rough thing to fall out of love. It's a tougher thing to cause someone pain. In this past year I've broken a heart and scattered the pieces to the four winds. But enough is enough. I'm really tired of feeling guilty for standing up for myself.... and now I'm being forthright in it. It's a horrible feeling to know that someone is crying and upset because of you. It's a worse thing to feel that it's because of their actions and your reactions that caused the desire to leave. This week I ended a friendship that used to a be a strong love. It makes me question too much and I think it's horrible for both sides. When one is trying to talk about some subject, and the other just can't get past their prejudice to listen. I could not... I really couldn't get past it... and it was time it was revealed exactly how much. Relationships are hard, and I'm not sure I'm any good at them. I'm great in building esteem, finding those wonderful qualities and painting them and following after them... but everyone has other qualities.. and those are the ones I tend to focus on. I had a wonderful woman, and I lost her... we pushed each other away and essentially baited the other to end it. It was my first hard breakup and I really don't want to ever experience something like it ever again. It brought out the venom and we saw each others true colours. This week has been hard for me. I've felt down and frustrated, and had to do a lot of growing up internally. I even made the mistake of trying to confide in a friend about it... and putting my foot in my mouth and making her feel like I was blaming her. So uncool that I'm pissed at myself and I've potentially lost another friend. Two this week.... for a guy who hates the idea of hurting people... it's been rough. I don't like disappointing people but I've certainly done that. It's just been one of those weeks. I have been reminding myself of the things that make me happy and focus on them. Recently I'd been focusing too much on one thing, to the exclusion of others and it bit me in the ass... because it's not fair for me to put my emotional priorities on another, no one wants to carry that. I've been doing well and been very proud of myself. Moving ahead, making others happy. This week I'm derailed. On a good note, I'm feeling physically awesome. Walking to work, getting sun (I'm burned now, but tanned later) and I got a letter from my mom... some strange card with a very middle aged 'getting older' joke on it... I love that woman. Fuck is she weird sometimes. I wonder if she passed it on in her genes. I guess I just gotta be living for me. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 21st, 2008
7:52 pm	It's an amazing this learning... it's like the skin's ability to heal itself after a wound. An automatic process that we can influence but certainly cannot stop or defeat. I like reflecting on the 'What-if's' of the past... to see where and what I might be doing now in my current situations if I hadn't the wisdom and experience of the past. What would one think, encountering a daily decision, without being armed with the memory of past experiences. It would be a dark and hilarious world wouldn't it... The old 'Once bitten, twice shy' wouldn't be a factor. I like it because I know.... that in my current dealings in the past I would have become... overly passionate and been flung deeply into an irrational mood. In short... I would have been madly in love and incapable of seeing the true path. I would have made decisions that didn't reflect properly for my life. I've done it... as a teenager, and I don't regret it for what I learned... but I harbour some regret for the path I choose to learn the lesson. But I should stop focusing on relationships. I love women. Love 'em. I still think that I do not want to be attached, but I do like exploring myself alongside them. Side note, I had to edit this entry because I typoed that I DO want to be attached. Freudian. Figured I'd include that point. ================================ Work. Yes I have a job. I do tech support for a small Internet company and I love it. I have some great colleagues and some apathetic colleagues... a boss in the middle of a crisis...(woe be the intelligent Gemini) and I don't get paid nearly as much as I could be making elsewhere.... But I'm happy. That's the fucking catch. I dunno. I'm tired of Saskatoon, but I really feel that many opportunities are still available here. I need to see more of the world and get out... but I think I'll wait at least another six months here before decisions like that would take hold.... but to my wanderlusting friend, you chase that dream, you go for it. It's been a fascinating journey that I don't want to have end, but who you are, well, that is something I wouldn't want to see stiffled in your home town. Just after you are done reaching out to explore the world, reach through and remember that life is life, no matter where it is. I get it. I'll miss you but I'm glad I got to know you before you disappeared. We seized the opportunity and I am the better man for it. I do not understand my friends who have adopted the idea that a career in your hometown is what is needed. I feel unique in that I really feel that I would reflect on life as a failure if I never stepped outside of my own culture, tongue and prejudice. I am Canadian. I do not think this is the end of existence on this planet. We are a great country, magnificent and wise. But. We are just one nation and as such, we are not above others. Now you know, I have my national pride.. it's true... but the heat of social passion I might even declare my country to be the greatest! But naturally my criteria cannot be trusted... for I have only been to 8 countries so far. I want to be amazed, horrified, frightened (well not really), shunned and embraced. I really do not think that I have the answer. But I want to make sure the people I love get to explore and experience those things for themselves. I also wish I could be at their side for every journey. I know I won't get to do it all... and I am glad for that. Perhaps the next life will continue it... or nullify the previous. Like playing SMB after SMB 3 was released. I still don't know. But right now, that's pretty awesome. ================================= Current Mood: satisfied (Comment on this)
Monday, May 12th, 2008
6:58 pm	Happy Damn I'm doing good. I got outta town this weekend and it was really special. I spent tons of time with my best friends in-laws and even though it can be frustrating, it was rewarding..... I got to visit my friend Erin who I've drifted apart from and we got to hang out. Wrestling with her dog and having my fro swiped at by her cat. I was there for a wedding as my friends escort so it was strange because I didn't know anybody... but I remembered names and tried to help out. I wasn't in the wedding party like my escort was so there were long periods of time when I was just chillin' out with Jim and Jean in their trailer... playing cards or helping them out. Bridesmaids were dressed up so well....... and they had such a good time. I was glad to see it. The groom had to walk in a line towards the bride but he was needing to 'break' a series of gates made from men holding hands.. I was in this line... and the groom lifted up his kilt, revealing his wifes new acquisitions, and charged all the men who quickly gagged and broke rank. It was loltastic. I got jealous too, no reason I should, I've no concrete nor verbalised dedications even if I might feel a moral and slightly emotional one... but still, I rest within the realm of being a man who loves women, all women, and as such find myself feeling rather prone when being confronted with situations that would have been very different had I been in control. But it's a long road to that maturity to see the difference. Well I did... and I let it go, but I still felt it.. and I hate feeling it. Not because I don't think I should feel it, more because it's a situation when another's power over me, and how I can lose confidence in the position I hold in their life, can be seen on an obvious level. It's on display to me and them. That is what makes it uncomfortable. In my mind, I wouldn't want to cause it in another, even if secretly I revel in it... so to have it caused in me, I tend to lean, unfairly, towards the critical of another's actions that made me feel jealous. I don't think that's mature, except when it's warranted (marital infidelity for example), to hold someone else accountable for ones own shortcomings like that. I think it's a personal failing to lose control of my reason and slip into that passionate 'WTF' that can suck so much. I dunno. I'm in a strange place in my life. But damn do I feel good most days. I still slip into a funk... where nothing is fun, nothing feels good and nothing satisfies. I just wish I'd realised at a younger age simply how much bad food and lack of exercise can make me into a grey man. Now I know it will pass.. and I take much comfort in that knowledge. But it means I live my life as my minds slave still... seeking freedom I know not if I'll find. But thank you. Thank you life for such a great time and good feeling. This is an up day. And I'll learn a lesson from that as well. Current Mood: high Current Music: Greg's voice. (Comment on this)
Friday, May 2nd, 2008
7:52 pm	Heya Deciding to write in here while in a better mood than in past. I'm healthy, got plans for fun and travel soon and I'll get to meet new people and see some old friends. I was upset and disappointed the other day. In many ways I still am, but it extends to myself. I don't like losing my temper and it makes me feel very uncomfortable... but it illustrated to myself a point I need to recognise. That I have some pet peeves. Oh Yes. There are a couple things that I simply do not accept. One is being called a bullshitter, the other is to know that I'm misrepresented. That someone is sharing an opinion about me they could not really have, and should not really be presenting. Or to have my behaviour explained with anything other than personal insight. So speculation. It offends me and I'm disappointed whenever it happens. Well I got mad and lost my temper and acted like a giant baby. So what happens? The person who pissed me off shows me an act of love and understanding. Instead of staying mad it was just dealt with, just.... rolled off shoulders with an incredible insight into me that really really surprised me. And I guess it shouldn't have. But it made me feel loved... and that... that right there... is something. It's not 'dealt with' as it were and it certainly will continue to be an open wound. Leaving partnerships is always hard on both parties. But for now. My life. It's all good. I've got people who love me and a roof over my head I pay for myself. Current Mood: grateful Current Music: I'm at WORK yo. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 29th, 2008
6:58 pm	I'm offended. Whatever. Whatever. It's the worst word in the English language. It should never be said to another person. I can be told to fuck off, get bent, almost anything but nothing will set me off like that word. When it's been said to me, the person saying it simply pleads and bleeds ignorance and disrespect. But I'm not here about that, just felt like explaining that viewpoint. I'm here to talk about why I write when I'm mad, but neglect it if I'm doing ok. Well I'm doing well. I had a wedding for one of my best friends a couple of weeks ago, and it was good. It went a little differently as my intended date and I have since broken up, but I wasn't the only groomsman whose dates didn't come to the wedding. Though everyone was invited to the reception. That was a happy memory and great weekend. I looked good, my friends looked good and I got to thank the bride personally for making someone whom I've never known to be happy, well, fucking ecstatic all the time. I hope them the best. My personal life has been good to. I'm happy and secure in my friendships and I'm discovering new roads to happiness that I'm quite happy to encounter. I'm treated well and with respect. I have noticed in my old age that I'm quite even tempered, but sometimes are over sensitive to people and attitudes. It's like I see one tiny thing and must focus on it's injustice, even to the point of getting far angrier at other, smaller issues because others will see more injustice in them. I got mad at someone yesterday and lost my temper. I yelled and got frustrated. I lost my cool and I have yet to come down. I'm agitated, annoyed and short on patience. Why the hell does one person have so much power? I don't have a track record and history of it... and I am worried that it might continue. Why does this one person fill me up with such rage and frustration at times. I think I can explain it, but not rationalise it. It really isn't rational. But most of it comes from my inability to communicate with them. To have them be able to see and recognise that I'm angry, yes they had something to do with it, no I'm not crazy. But I just come off as an asshole. So many times I've seen it.. 'What IS that dude's problem' or 'Wow, that chicks boyfriend is an asshole'.. Well, this doesn't apply to me, I saw how it could have. Too many times I would be in a disagreement and other people would be brought into it. It never felt fair or respectful to cite the biased and uninformed opinions in a conversations between two intimates. Feels much like having a scientific debate, and you pull out textbooks and the other person pulls out the bible. The conclusion is that either I really am fallible and will simply have to learn that some people and I will not get along, no matter what. They will always annoy or frustrate me or I will always annoy and frustrate them. I am very easily annoyed but very difficult to offend. But I'm done being offended. So I dunno. I'm more and more realising that, if I'm angry, I'm not very nice. But only if I'm talking to someone I'm supposed to respect, because then it's simple to point out errors in their position based on their past actions and assumptions and nothing gets done. We simply descend into nastiness. So maybe I need to go away. A few times in recent history I've been dealing with an ex and I've thought "If this is all we can be to eachother, then I'm done and I can't have that friend"... maybe I've met someone who is so ingrained in my passion that I cannot separate the reason. Why does this one person, who loves me much, make me so damn angry I want to explode, when no one else really can. Except one of my mothers. It's not cool. Things that make me angry get avoided. It's like caffeine, if you drink too much coffee, it's expected to feel excitable and agitated. It's simple to find someone who is annoying and want to avoid them. But what about someone you love? Does it feel like family then? That no matter how in the wrong you might feel them to be, that you need to just love them anyways? I had a long talk with a friend this weekend, and in the conversation I was trying to explain a personal concept, and the reaction I got was pretty horrified. It's happened in past and I've needed to re-examine it. I was trying to explain that I need to feel morally attracted to my partner. Things in the past they've done are ever present in my mind and their credibility is under question. I cease to feel like I can trust someone saying one thing, when in the past they have chosen to do another. That, as a man, we tend to judge women constantly and hold them accountable to every choice they've ever made. But as a man, women tend to do that less to us. My friend gave me food for thought. That we change and grow, regret and live and shouldn't be held accountable to all the past. That, even though this isn't my position, I appeared to her to be coming from the position of looking for 'someone perfect'. I don't think of it like that. For me, it's about knowing that I wouldn't want certain qualities in my partner, and if they have them, maybe I need to re-examine them as my partner. For example, in the extreme, I wouldn't want a n ex hooker as my wife. It would mean, at least to me, that anything we do sexually will be far less intimate for her since she has a clinical view of sex. I can't imagine being a woman and having some gynecologist eat me out. I don't think they could separate it. Those are both extreme, and rather remote examples though. The point being that perhaps I need to learn to forgive, instead of thinking 'Well this person is like that, move along'. It would appear that I'm unwilling to be patient while someone grows up, I just need them to be grown up to be with me. But we are all different. I have much growing up to do. Everyday I see more and more opportunities for myself to be a better man. So do I judge too harshly? Do I put most people below me so it's easy to treat them all with gentility and patience? I find the close I am to someone they are put in the 'respect' category. If they have a quality about them I can name, then I show them different respect other than the cold and clean respect the general populace gets. other friends of mine I have little respect for, but I enjoy their company so they stay a friend. I don't have an answer. But I feel that sometimes, you'll just find someone you really can't get through to. They don't want to hear it, or don't want to hear it from you. Or maybe, there is nothing to hear. And if you get angry and frustrated, to the point that you'd really rather not talk to them, do you love them? I do not know. I prefer to not piss people off. I prefer not to get pissed of. I need to be heard and respected and I will do the same. I really don't like horror movies, so I don't go and see them in a theatre. Since I'd be there, using my energy to lessen the enjoyment someone else might be having. When I'm playing my favourite game I don't need I'll be angry for awhile, something I'm not comfortable with. I guess I need to try and figure out why. And I need to post when I'm having a pretty good day. But then I usually don't think to nor need to, since it's this forum that assists me in understanding myself, and I tend to only need that kind of insight when I'm in off moods. Current Mood: disappointed Current Music: no music. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 19th, 2008
6:23 pm	Meh I'm in a bad mood. I'm not sure what triggers them. Today I thought it was that I hadn't had breakfast, so I ate at work and felt the same. I'm having to be very careful with my words, almost like I want to react negatively to anything I see they might be offensive, only because it *might* be offensive. I dunno. I'm displaced. I've been pretty low this past week but I've been able to cheer myself up but thinking about how much better off I'm doing now than I have been in recent years. Today is about frustration. I just feel frustrated towards everybody I meet. At least, I give off frustration even if they don't actually frustrate me. Anxiety too. I think many people experience anxiety and mislabel it. Today I got a call, perfectly routine stuff, but I felt anxious like I didn't know what I was doing. This, in retrospect, is pretty normal for me. I had it many times in school. I would get to a test and freeze up, feeling anxious and confused. It has caused me no end of heartache, disappointment and feelings of failure. Research shows that it could be something else, like blood sugar. I'm not sure but I feel under confident that it's really a problem. Were I to live hundreds of years ago I'd simply have to deal. And deal I would, or die. So if this is who I am, someone who is nice, caring, thoughtful and occasionally an impatient asshole. Should I fight that or embrace it? Personally I think I should be fighting it. If someone hates who they can become, there is no point in embracing that. If someone fails to become who they wish themselves to be, they can either die or simply live vicariously through the loves of others. Throughout history great men and women loved the world around have dealt with personal demons. We are all victims of our chemystery. I am not a great man. I just am. Current Mood: Horny (Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 18th, 2008
5:15 pm	Blah. Blah blah blah Jesus. So I've decided to accept my lord and saviour Jesus Christ into my heart and soul. I have decided I'm tired of living a wicked life, filled with bad thoughts, bad feelings and bad omens. I fully believe that by saying 'I accept you Jesus in to my heart and my life' is enough to completely vanquish the sins I have committed in this life, preparing me never to sin in the next. I made this decision much like a homosexual decides to be gay. It really is about choice. Had I investigated my options, perhaps I would have chosen to be a Buddhist. I believe I made the right choice. However... I did have many things to choose from. In terms of immediate effect, I tend to find choosing beer quite powerful. I feel better, become more social, don't thirst and, when on beer, tend to want to help others more. When I take some prozac I feel uplifted, centred and free from anxiety, all those things my fellows who have given their lives to Jesus also claim. I like to smoke pot, this also has the calming and uplifting effect that I find so much use in. Perhaps combining my newfound love of the lord and pot will be to my soul's mutual benefit. However, I have heard it claimed that the love of Jesus alone will be enough to cut off the craving of the Demon Weed. Perhaps I'm not pure enough. If I give my life, give my soul to something and find myself wanting, bored, unfocused and alone. Was it my choice that wasn't pure or was it me? These things I do not have an answer too. So perhaps my giving over to the lord was premature and I really am moving in the wrong direction. What makes us happy? Sense of belonging? Chemicals? A good balance between passion and reason? I am not sure. I have not found happiness in Passion that wasn't fleeting and ungrounded. I have not found happiness in Reason that was not dominated by my own perverse sense of morality (since personal morality is always a perversion when compared to societal morality, also perverse) and by boring inanity. So the answer isn't drugs. It isn't religion. Sure isn't passion nor reason. It would appear. That there is no answer to making oneself happy. Perhaps that is the point. No one can ever say 'I'll be happy when I have....' and really be honest about it. So the gods are out. Drugs are out. Diet and exercise.. .well that just seems to be a contradiction doesn't it? What part of eating well and taking care of oneself seems to ride the line of the balance of passion and reason? I made a choice recently to give way to reason over passion, and it's taking it's toll on me. I am not sure if I made the right choice, and to seek an answer in faith, science or distraction all seem folly. So for me, I'll live and wait. I was bummed. To go from 'I'm ok, thanks' to 'Pretty lame' only as a result of an intellectual exercise was interesting. From not being hungry, from having energy and a good outlook to having one conversation, leading to guilt and depression. To another, a decision made with the evidence of prudence. I feel out of sorts but it was expected. Strangely, though all I want to do is the same self sabotage I've always done, overeating, sleeping, pot, video games. I am finding that my cravings for those are being highly mitigated by the memories of how little any of those things help me. Is this maturity? No. No one can ever think 'I'm mature, I'm making the mature decision' and really know, that implies some sort of sur-terran morality judge. I think it's perspective really. I feel that I have a good perspective on who I am. Few men can make the claim that they know and can recognise most of their own flaws. Many can. I believe I can, though I'm not always aware of how I am demonstrating them, nor do I have a map to see all the damage I can cause as a result of them. I believe, personally, that the closer I get to someone the less value I see that I bring them. The lesson I'm learning in my life is that I don't get to make that call. I've been told that, time and again from many women. Maybe it's time to listen. Just because I think I'm a piece of shit sometimes doesn't mean that those who love me think I am. But love, well. That's another journal entry. I have some strong feelings about love (heh) Current Mood: okay Current Music: Customers Keyboard. (Comment on this)
Thursday, March 13th, 2008
8:03 pm	Last year This time last year I was in awe. I had met the most wonderful women I could possibly imagine. She had an entry into my soul that floored me. Her words, so soothing. Calming my beastly interior and opening me up. I listened for countless hours to her everyday, herself, her life, children, school, trials and troubles. Every moment possible. The amazing ability we had to put eachother to sleep, waking up to hear the other one fit, then gently saying words to lull them back to sleep. I was waiting. Waiting for that time when she would be here, with me. I knew when it would be too. We had a countdown. It was the strangest time. Falling in love before smelling someone. Worshiping the mind and soul from afar and feeling like you've truly been let in to someone amazing. A treasure that only you have the map to. I had to reexamine myself, my place in life and who I thought I was. I concluded I needed her to make me whole. It's a tough time. Looking ahead to when the one year of so many precious memories happened....and feeling like it was in another life, between two different people. Though the mistakes of the more recent past are still like bitter memories, I can remember two lives shared together. I am going to be in hell knowing of the happiness I had last year is but a memory. My god you shine when taken out of your day to day and placed where you can be you, and be loved for being so. It does feel like a year. The most amazing year I've ever had. I just hope I learn the right lessons from it. I want it to mean something forever. Thank you. Current Mood: envious Current Music: a customers keyboard. (Comment on this)
3:53 pm	March 8th I moved my journal from Livejournal to Insanejournal. Livejournal is admined and designed by monkeys. Been feeling highly anxious recently. Feeling displaced in the lives of so many. It's a difficult thing to realise that one is missed by so many, but really only superficially for the most part. The efforts extended by me and by friends isn't that much. In our society we are too distracted, too quickly and temporarily sated by so many things. I've made some good friends since I've been back in my hometown, but more and more I remember why living in ones' hometown is soul sapping. I love this place, but it won't feel like home again. I have only had that glimpse of home couple of times in my life. I yearn for it. I seek it, albeit poorly. I declare to myself that it is a goal. In fact, my biggest goal in past was 'To make one woman happy for the rest of my life'... in retrospect, that goal is rather romantic and idealistic... there is more to life than that one thing, but everyone seems to strive for it as the ultimate goal.. that even if you have failed in life, if you have found love, then you won. I think this comes from some sort of unconscious biological prerogative. That if you can find someone who loves you, then you have succeeded in meeting someone potentially willing to exchange genetic information with. This perpetuates the goal of special reproduction and life continues. If we did not have a desire for companionship then we would die out. This is a black and white way of looking at the world but it's pretty common. A good stepping stone to understanding the reason why men and women seek each other out. Am I lonely. Yes. Yes I am. Have I been happy with the women in my life? Yes. But. I was raised by women, around women and with many viewpoints that women share. I was 17 before I ever lived with another male. I found men to nasty and brutish, often not reacting well to women. Telling them to calm down, to stop making such a big deal over things and generally expressing much impatience towards them. But women would flock to it. Women really do like assholes. For some reason, treating a woman like shit works for guys. Well it doesn't work for me. As I get older I lose some of the childishness I had when it comes to seeing perspectives. I still can, and do as it's highly valuable. I see things from a bi-lateral perspective instead of the perspective of wanting people just not to be mean to each other. So instead of siding with the female perspective, as I used to, I tend now to see both sides and come to a conclusion. The conclusion usually is... 'Well. You both were nasty.' or 'You, you fucked up'. Pretty typical I think. Unfortunately this gets defeated when I see myself being nasty, when I see myself doing and saying things to people from gut reactions, to make them listen and to feel. I'm honest, I try to be genuine and I will tell people things about themselves, or about anything, that they don't necessarily want to hear, but that I feel would benefit them. So I find myself in a conflict. If I'm around someone who I think needs to reexamine their perspective, I find them intensely annoying as I feel that they are causing themselves to cause, or exacerbate their personal issues, then it appears often clear to me that whatever they are choosing to do, if it's not removing themselves from the situation, is making it worse for all involved. It's a shaky cliff though. When I am myself in a situation with no good results on the horizon, I try to mitigate how much emotional conflict there will be and how many hard feelings might appear around the situation. Often this involves apologising, if I'm in error, or simply capitulating to another's mood just to make them feel that they have been heard appreciated and respected, even I think that they fucked up. It's a harsh way to live.. because I feel like I'm judging almost everyone I meet, but treating them as best I can not to interfere with their choices. I try to only offer advice and opinion when asked, but find myself offering thoughts on perspective. This infuriates people with egos, and tends to reward people who are humble and willing to listen to the insight of others. But it goes both ways, I've pissed off many a wiser man than me by offering my perspective on their situations. It's not my business unless I'm asked to make it my business. So I used to think Women made sense. That what they thought and felt about a situation was accurate. For the most part it is. For them, from their point of view. But as I have grown into a young man I have opened up to the male perspective and absorbed much of what makes men men... The competition, the harshness, the appearance of lack of caring and the outside stone face 'men don't cry' attitude. By absorbed I mean, I 'have come to an understanding about', not that I display it all the time. Emotions are a troubling thing for a teenager and I didn't enjoy them much. I feel anxious often when thinking about feelings since I find emotion unpredictable. I really really dislike feeling certain ways, I do not handle it well and tend to 'shut off' for months at a time, preventing myself from going down certain roads of feeling. This is a personal failing. It is not healthy to turn oneself off emotionally. It's hard on the body, hard on the mind and hard on the people around oneself. I don't like thinking back to past experiences and remembering only gross emotions, but not being able to remember good feelings and vibes. It's like remembering a dream for me. Or laughter. You can remember laughing, but you can't 'Feel' that uncontrolled spasming that a good laugh causes. Or remembering that 'Yeah' that tasted good, but you can't remember the flavour. We can't remember sensations, that is what makes them feel so good. I am worried that I am incapable of feeling properly. I go through spurts, but certain things cause me to close in. Internalise. And I don't know what to do about it. More to write, not now. Current Mood: uncomfortable (Comment on this)
3:51 pm	February 21 I hate to turn this into a rant journal, but it's an online journal, so I might as well, not like people who write here are often writing anything but for themselves. I'm feeling ok... I was off work for a couple days due to pain. My massage therapist was too freaked out to really try and fix it, and I got berated for not going to a Chiropractor. Sure sucked. I would like to move my head more than a few degrees in any direction. Friend of mine once fixed it by hugging me at a weird angle. There is no greater frustration nor pain in this world than loss. I wrote a lot more here but I don't care to share it publicly. An online journal, though a useful app, is still the haven of bad bad bad people. Emo-goths who just think about themselves and how the world has fucked them over, never trying to step above their self-appointed station to better themselves. It's unfortunate but that is my view on the average livejournal (or Deadjournal) user. No offense to you, unless you are one of these people (which I really doubt if you are reading my page) So I'm in Pain, I'm really astounded to be experiencing loss. I don't suffer really when I lose family, loved ones, to age nor illness. I do not know how to lose a friend. Never done it before. I haven't learned any meaningful, positive lessons from this yet. Just pain of losing someone in a method I'm completely uncomfortable with. I don't know what it means really. It's been a long time since I've experienced this. I do not like it. Current Mood: uncomfortable (Comment on this)
3:49 pm	Really February 15 I really like my life sometimes. I have a job I like, friends who respect me and whom I respect. In fact, I'm one of the few people I know who consistently tell people how awesome my parents are. I mean who respects their parents? I don't know how to be happy. Is it just chemical? I really don't know. I know enough to know that I do not want to cause others harm. If I think I'm a negative influence on someones life I typically avoid them. I will hang out of course, but I won't seek them out. I wish to remain positive in peoples lives. Many think me an idiot, fair enough. Many think me smart, fair enough. The best I feel I can do is to be a more positive influence in others lives than negative. This means recognising my weaknesses and how they can affect those I care about. I like being single. Sure I miss the cuddling, the person who laughs at shared jokes, the intimacy. But in a relationship I cannot help myself when I become bored. When something doesn't feel right, correct, or any good I wonder why I'm even there. So I stay single. I will not enter into a relationship any longer. Not worth it to me. I like my space, knowing my own head and navigating my own moods without needing to deal with the unpredictability of another. Other people, offer me no drama, none. I love them but consider our relationship passionateness. Take my best friend, we'll call him 'Jack'... I love him. I'd take a bullet for him, but if he was a woman, no passion. Not enough there. I wouldn't want a friend in my bed. I would want someone I cannot live without. Can't function except with them at my side. I've thought I've found this, and it leads me down bad roads. Roads of self discovery, learning that people don't need others. We want others. It can feel like need, simply because there is little point in living if we don't have something or someone to share with. This is clear. If we were the last person on the entire planet, well, what'd be the point? Nothing will be learned that could be shared, nothing could be loved that would continue to be loved. But it's not a need, we don't need it to live. Though we've shown people can turn themselves off from love. I love love. I love so many people. I wish them the best, but I don't want to hurt anyone, ever. Perhaps this will become my greatest victory and my greatest failure. Perhaps I'll wait too long and die alone. All I know now, even with any opportunity. I could not be in love again. The time for my soul to be consumed and embraced by another is at an end. Sad? I don't know yet. Prudent? I can't know that either. The best I can do is to learn, live, teach and spread good karma and cheer. Current Mood: aggravated (Comment on this)